Parent Mirroring: How do your children see themselves?

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, I’m more worthless than them all!” Some have said it. More have thought it. Many of us live it. Our self-concept is flawed.

We place ourselves before a funhouse mirror, convinced we are looking at a true reflection. We view ourselves as inferior to others. We know everyone is flawed, but we are more flawed. God loves us, but we are certain He loves others more. We live with a sense of alienation, a sense of not belonging.

Living life in front of a funhouse mirror is not fun.

How did we develop a self-image so seriously and painfully distorted?

Marriage and Family Therapist, Sandra Wilson, believes it began at a very young age. In her book, In Abba’s Arms, she expounds the concept of Parent Mirroring. She explains that a child develops its self-concept from the interaction it experiences with its parents and other important people in its life. Each attitude and action directed towards the child is part of a mosaic that will make up the picture of that child’s identity. The parents, grandparents, teachers, and peers all act as a mirror, and that mirror will determine how a child will view himself.

Many children receive positive and loving cues from the people in their life, and reflect that same image. Many others, however, experience a parent’s callous abuse, a teacher’s humiliating criticism, or painful mocking by their peers. These negatives act as projectiles, never missing their target, and damaging the child’s psyche.

Such weaponry is not barred from the Christian home. Some parents, in an effort to instill godly principles, may be unbalanced in their methods. Mark Hamby, noted Christian author and speaker on family issues, writes, “Parents who are authoritative, dominating, and controlling, always demanding more than is necessary with little or no positive acknowledgement, can indeed produce depressed children…this type of parental influence needs the intervention of a Biblical counselor. The counselor, however, is not as much for the child as for the parent.”

 If a mother is unloving and harsh, the child develops a belief that he is undeserving of love or respect. If a father is unavailable, whether by abandonment, workaholism, or neglect, the child will be convinced that he or she is not important or worthy of their father’s attention. A child who consistently experiences a parent’s criticism will believe himself or herself incapable of doing anything right or ever being good enough.

 Throughout their lives these children will expend themselves in an emotionally exhausting attempt to be perfect, believing that nothing short of perfection will earn them the right to be loved and accepted.

Every aspect of our life is affected by the image we have formed of ourselves, whether it be true or faulty. Spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and relationally, we will act and react according to the perception we hold of ourselves.

If we believe ourselves to be a failure, success will prove to us elusive. If we believe ourselves too bad for God to forgive, we will live with nagging shame. If we see ourselves unworthy of God’s love or that of another’s, we will push away the very love we need to embrace.

Can anything be done to correct the distortions? Can anyone fix us?

Jesus Christ is the way, the truth, and the life. In the Bible we will find the truth that will overcome the lies and set us free. Ephesians 4:15 tells us to speak the truth in love—even to ourselves. Our mind must be changed. Renewed. We must step away from the funhouse mirror and look into the mirror of God’s Word.

Eugenia Price, in her classic book, Woman to Woman, addressed this journey when she wrote, “This [change] does not come overnight. Developing a habit is a slow—sometimes discouragingly slow—process. But because of the way in which God created your conscious mind, it is never a hopeless process… We must not be impatient when our conscious minds are not changed as rapidly as we think they should be. After all, if we have given the control of our minds over to Jesus Christ, we can trust His timing in reforming our thought patterns.”

The concept of parent mirroring is not a one-size-fits-all. It comes with no guarantees. My purpose in this post is to ask you to stop and consider the principle. As you do, you may come to understand yourself a bit better, as well.

God’s desire is to bring healing to those wounds deep within us. But we must let Him chip away at our self-imposed defenses and allow His love to invade our hearts and minds.

If worth is measured by the price one is willing to pay, we are of infinite value. For God paid the ultimate price to redeem us. He sacrificed His Son.